When You See the Truth, Believe It

As a licensed therapist who used to work directly with children and adult clients, I have had the opportunity to walk beside a lot of individuals as they move towards, or sometimes away, from the life they want to live. Some of these individuals suffered from severe mental illness and the road they were on was to learn tools to manage ongoing symptoms and learn about their illnesses so that they could better manage their lives. I have also worked with people who are struggling with situations and life changes such as grief, loss, and other adjustments. Life can get really lifey sometimes and there is nothing wrong with reaching out for support and help with the power that comes from listening to your own story and learning ways to better manage difficult emotions and the challenges that life presents. 

What a different world it would be if just like physical fitness, children were taught mental fitness. Many adults have had the privilege of growing up in loving homes where healthy adults role modeled and supported the development of self-regulation and cognitive wellness skills that help children deal with life, but many others have not been so lucky. Some people are tasked with learning how to manage inadequacies, insecurities, change, boundaries, relationships, and school/work life balance on their own. Learning these skills on your own can be done and it will often involve a process of trial and error as an individual applies skills to navigate their own personal challenges and struggles. The process also takes some willingness and realization or self-awareness that change is necessary. Regardless of when an individual learns self-regulation and coping skills, life is one continuous series of changes and it is a lifelong process to learn new skills and apply them   

One of the most difficult life lessons I have had to learn is to set up and maintain boundaries. When I encounter a situation, friendship, relationship, employment, or any other type of encounter that leaves me feeling worse than before encountering it, I apply my rule of three.  If something only happens once or twice, it could be an anomaly or have a reasonable explanation for the event. When the situation re-occurs for the third time, it is my sign that what I am seeing, experiencing, or dealing with is the truth. I do not need to seek the reasons, explanations, or causes for the situation because I can rely on my intuition and the established pattern I am seeing to confirm that I am in an “it is what it is” situation. An apology or explanation for the situation is meaningless without action and by the third time something has happened, there hasn’t been any action behind the words. I then must remember that I do not have the power to control other people, places, or things. While I may feel uncomfortable due to whatever continues to happen, it is my sign that I am in control of what I allow in my life and how I respond. I am responsible for setting and keeping my own boundaries that protect my own wellbeing, health, and happiness. Occasionally, that means being brave enough to walk away from whatever situation is stealing my peace, draining my wellness, or has become something that simply is not worth wasting my time and energy on. I cannot change people, places, or things. I can only change my own thoughts, feelings, and reactions to what is going on around me. In the past, I have walked away from friends, employment situations, and social situations and while it is difficult, the peace that comes with prioritizing your well-being and peace is worth it.

My grandson is two years old and my wish for him is that he is surrounded by adults who teach him he is valuable, his feelings are real and matter, and that it is a good thing to have boundaries that protect his wellbeing. His favorite word at the present is “NO” and I am working on respecting that boundary. When he replies “NO” after being asked if he wants something to eat, I believe him the first time and stop offering the food, even when I am sure he is in imminent danger of starving. If I ask for a hug and he says “NO”, then I don’t wrap him up in one. No pun intended but these are baby steps towards showing him that I hear him and that I am respecting his answer. After all, isn’t being heard and having our answer respected what we all want, regardless of our age?